Why My Marriage Works

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Why My Marriage Works

Every human heart longs for fulfilling relationships, relationships in which we feel connected and cared for. Marriage is an opportunity for this kind of intimate relationship.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We came from very different backgrounds. I was born and raised in the British colony of Hong Kong by Chinese parents who did not speak a word of English. He grew up on the East Coast of the United States by Anglo-American parents who have had minimal exposure to Asia or Asians.

In the United States, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, thus making it the country with the second highest divorce rate in the world. Brad Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, said of divorce, “It is basically a social and environmental toxin.”

This divorce statistic causes me to wonder why my marriage works in spite of the cultural differences.

1. Commitment is forever. When Hervey and I decided to get married, we made it clear to each other that divorce was not an option. Our irreversible commitment to each other has been the foundation to build trust and intimacy.

2. Put your spouse first. Marriage is not about me and my happiness. It is about working together to create a mutually fulfilling relationship. Ironically this happens only when I choose to serve my husband first; similarly my husband will find fulfillment in this relationship only if he has my best interest in mind.

3. Friendship is the foundation. Yes, my husband and I were romantically attracted to each other and that was why we decided to get married. We fell in love, as some might call it. But that was not all. We were friends with a serious commitment to build and nurture our friendship. Our friendship continues to deepen through our years of marriage.

4. For better or for worse. Tough times particularly financial hardships, have a way of driving people apart. Yet these are also the times when it is critical for husband and wife to stay together as a team. Think of a couple camping out in the cold. If they huddle close together they can survive the cold temperatures. But if they go it alone, they would not be able to survive. Toughing it out together also further deepens our trust and emotional connection.

5. Learn to talk. Many couples part ways because they have not learned to talk to each other. They have not learned to talk about their needs, their feelings, their dreams, and their ideas. I personally know several couples who divorced because one of the spouses was unable to express anger or unmet needs in a healthy and constructive way. These dissatisfied spouses just walked out of the relationship, sometimes without any prior warning, other times with just a 24-hour notice. These individuals bottled up their frustration and anger; the spouse who was left behind never knew that the other partner had a volcano inside that was ready to explode. The spouse who stayed never understood how the divorce came about and never had the opportunity to make changes. Remember this: no human being can read your mind! You must learn to talk.

6. Learn to listen. Intimacy in relationships is about listening well. When your spouse is done talking, can you repeat back what she has just said without passing judgment? Can you mirror his emotions and express empathy? I was not that good in this area when I first got married. I was so full of my own ideas that I wanted to be heard all the time. Life in general, and parenting in particular, has a way of teaching me to be a better listener. Today I still have to discipline my tongue and my attitude so I can suspend my judgmental tendencies and listen well.

7. Find your unshakable common ground. For my husband and me, our unshakable common ground is our common commitment to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. This spiritual center continues to build experiences of shared meaning for us. We worship and pray together, we lead together, and we have a community of spiritual friends.

How satisfied are you with your marriage? If you were to choose one of the above seven areas to work on, which one would you choose? What other principles can you share with others to help them make their marriage work?

I help people figure out what to do with their lives, discover their purpose and calling, identify their strengths, and more effectively navigate life – something called Life Coaching. Please visit me at www.theresaipfroehlich.com

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